Archive | November, 2013

True Emotions & Self Acceptance.

4 Nov

So far, this blog has covered how Pseudoachondroplasia has physically affected my life, but I thought I would finally expose the more hidden effects it has had. Before I begin, however, I want to state that this post is NOT one looking for any kind of pity. Though it is somewhat negative, I am writing to explain (truthfully) how this condition has moulded parts of my life which I’ve never spoken about before… as the intention of this whole blog was to give an honest insight of my life with Pseudoachondroplasia in the hope it may help others with the condition in some way, or their families. So that is what I’m doing. 

Emotions. Something I very rarely truly show to anyone. I have always tried to live with a happy facade- seem like the ‘ever smiley’ girl… I don’t know if I’ve convinced everyone, but well, now I will admit that at times, this condition has made me far from it. More often than not, if PSACH has been the cause of my upset, it is related to how it’s traits have stopped me doing whatever all my friends are doing at the time. I’ve said before I resent shoe shopping because it’s not as easy for me as it is for most which sucks all enjoyment out of it, but I will own up (for the first time)… There are far bigger things I’ve felt excluded from, largely due to my opinion of myself. 

When in the teenage years, my friends all posed in new outfits, would I? No. Because I avoid any photo of my entire body being taken as quite frankly, I do not like the way I look. I appreciate that I’m lucky to have a working body and that ‘everyone looks different in one way or another’; that I am lucky to have four limbs and all the essential body parts too, and that there are SO many people on this planet with issues 1000 times worse than mine and more… But not once in my life have I ever felt I looked attractive. Limited exercise options due to the pain movement causes in my joints has resulted in me being far-from-slim. Wearing shorts exposes the collection of scars I have on my legs. The deep curve in my spine means I cannot I achieve that flat, washboard tummy I have longed to have. All very very shallow considerations in the grand scheme of life, but boy have they dragged me down many times. I usually pretend I’m not bothered. I have no interest in looking fashionable or elegant, as I don’t like to take a negative approach to life. However, if I’m honest with myself, I would love to get dressed up for a night out and feel as beautiful as my friends look. 

Something else that as I grow older is becoming more apparent to me? How I shield myself from negative experiences and hurt by simply not getting involved. 
I often don’t show an interest in new activities because I’m worried that if I go somewhere and cannot participate fully, not only will I feel a let down to whoever I am with, but I will feel almost inadequate. I know it’s silly, but we’re going for truth here! I often pretend I don’t want to do something purely because I’m not sure I can. 

Also, for years I have watched my friends enter relationships, build trust with another. I am always so happy when my friends have that with someone and hope that one day it will be me in that position.. But up until recently, I have always said I’m not interested in the idea, that I’m “too busy” to even consider it. The truth? I’m too afraid. I don’t see myself as an attractive girl, so why would any guy? And how will I know if someone can genuinely look beyond my appearance, or just doesn’t want to offend me? I aim to overcome this ‘fear’ as I know most people are self doubting to some extent, but I do think it’s an area of life which would be a little easier if PSACH hadn’t led to me having a fairly poor body image of myself. I’ve also fretted in the past that if I were to be in a relationship, would I be a burden to my partner? For instance, I couldn’t take a romantic walk along the shore on holiday with the way my legs have been so far, nor could I go on an Autumnal bike ride. Then there are the times I will HAVE to go into hospital… Would I want to impose my recovering self on someone who could be getting on with their life in the ‘normal’ way? I don’t know.  Of course, “we all want love” and I am no different in that, but I know I need to stop putting up these barriers for myself in life before I’ll find it.

Essentially, I’ve come to realise that perhaps I’m not so accepting of the effects PSACH has on me as I thought I was. I have family and friends who give me the strength I need to put on a positive exterior, but I think I need to find some sort of inner strength so that I can honestly, truly 100% accept the condition and take it completely in my stride as I go on to the next chapter of my life and whatever it may hold. 

So I’ve reached a decision. I want to try a new approach to life… One which involves better acceptance of my circumstances and myself as an individual, where I try not to let this condition stop me from doing what I would most like to at all. I am announcing it in writing, because then I will have to do it. Starting from now. 🙂 

x

p.s. I managed to drive somewhere two hours from home yesterday without a single complaint from my new hip. Very happy!

%d bloggers like this: